So I pretty much quit working out and dieting the first time we got snowed in this year.. I forced myself to go back to the gym last monday and I could tell it had been quite a while. I have also had an injured knee that I just haven't taken the time to get looked at. I twisted it or something in Zumba one day and now if I even mention the word Zumba, my knee starts throbbing.. which totally sucks! because I really enjoy dancing away the calories.
I feel like im in a rut and I can't rock out of it.. I am becoming one of those stories where the people say, I tried everything! I did every diet in the world, and nothing worked until ___________. What the blank is for me? I don't know. But, I am so ready to find out! I bought a bodybugg for xmas. Never use it, I have an online subscript to WW online on my iphone. not consistent. I have a gym membership WITH childcare included!barely go. I bought myself new workout clothes and shoes to get me pumped. They are just sitting in my drawer.
I complain and think about my weight almost on the daily. If I could "wish" it away, I would be skinny as hell by now. But, That's not the way it works. Instead I beat myself up and eat some chocolate. It's a vicious cycle. I wish I knew what to do, or had the wear with all to stick with it! What on earth will it take?!
Today I had a tiny pregnancy scare, Not preggo!! but, for the moment I thought I may be, All I could think about was my weight and how big I am and how unhealthy that is to be pregnant and gain more weight. I was freaking out, thinking I am closer to the 300 mark than the 200 mark. How crazy is that?! I think it's so horrible that I can't even accept it, im in denial. Its overwhelming to think how far I have to go!So so so far.
I went to Chipolte last night and my ass fit in the chair outside snugly! UGH!I don't want people who knew me skinnier to see me now. It's embarrassing, but mostly I wish I could have my confidence and my health back! I do want it back! I saw a blog on pinterest that a woman wrote about her befores and afters she lost 100#.. I could relate way too well to the befores and hope with hope to one day to have the afters. I feel like I have a mental block. Its easier to isolate and eat "comfort" food then, to go into the world, show off my rolls that my tee shirt clings to when im working out. :(
SO, that's where I am at.. Its depressing.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Week 2 & 3
My second week of my new lifestyle was pretty good. I lost 4 inches off my waist and an inch off my arms and hips.. I have been taking measurements as well as weighing in. Usually my weigh ins were falling on Fridays but my cycle started so I knew my weigh in would be all whacked out from water and bloating so I held off until Monday. I had actually gained but then when it was over I weighed in this past Monday and I am down just shy of 4 lbs.. My third weigh in will take place tomorrow! I will be honest between Avery and I we have been sick for about a week so my fitness isn't on top and my eating has been slacking. I was eating the extra cals my app figures in after exercise but the scale is showing me that is not the way to go.. So I still add in my workouts just don't eat the extra cals.. I'm getting pretty used to staying in my range. This weekend was one of birthdays so I got a Lil off track but, the great thing is that there's always a new day to try again and tweak things.. I did zumba Wed and Sun.. I am going to try to get in to the gym more this week and add in some weights as I come up on my month.. Can't believe it's been a month! I had a friend tell me I looked like I lost some weight that was nice since they say others don't notice for twelve weeks. I can tell in my face, I can feel my jaw bone more prominent, my skin is aging and I have a dimple now when I smile.. Kinda funny. Also my boobs don't suffocate me when I lay on my back lol tmi but, I like to be real so, there you have it! I will log in with numbers tomorrow!! Ciao
Friday, January 11, 2013
Week One- Results
Whew! The first week is always the hardest in starting new changes.. But I made it! I am officially in week two! :) when I started this decision to become the best/ healthiest me, I had low goals. I set a workout goal of 3x a week / 30 mins of moderate activity. My fitness pal app gave me a calorie goal to lose 2/lbs a week.
I took measurements and I am excited to say- I lost my 2.2 lbs this week! AND 3 inches off my waist! Makes me motivated to keep going.. I'm pretty used to the eating and my stomach has shrunk because I barely eat a serving and I'm stuffed now! I still eat snacks as long as I track them and I eat a serving! Not a whole bag of Oreos... They aren't allowed in my house at all!!
I worked out 5x's this week! I hope the weeks get easier! I am in love with Zumba and my wii Just Dance games! Makes me sweat and doesn't feel like I'm working!
I have noticed how big I am from being in classes with mirrors..like Zumba. I tend to stand in the back and avoid looking at myself. But today I was rockin my new gym gear and thought I looked pretty cute before hand then I got there and felt like I was too big to be wearing what I was.. Towards the end of class I was thinking who cares? You are going to shrink before their eyes! It's amazing.. Let em look!
It's easy for a skinny girl to bounce a dance class but, it takes character for a larger lady to shake her wiggly bits in front of a group of spandex.. I did feel like Fat Amy from pitch perfect.. She's awesome and so am I!! :))
I took measurements and I am excited to say- I lost my 2.2 lbs this week! AND 3 inches off my waist! Makes me motivated to keep going.. I'm pretty used to the eating and my stomach has shrunk because I barely eat a serving and I'm stuffed now! I still eat snacks as long as I track them and I eat a serving! Not a whole bag of Oreos... They aren't allowed in my house at all!!
I worked out 5x's this week! I hope the weeks get easier! I am in love with Zumba and my wii Just Dance games! Makes me sweat and doesn't feel like I'm working!
I have noticed how big I am from being in classes with mirrors..like Zumba. I tend to stand in the back and avoid looking at myself. But today I was rockin my new gym gear and thought I looked pretty cute before hand then I got there and felt like I was too big to be wearing what I was.. Towards the end of class I was thinking who cares? You are going to shrink before their eyes! It's amazing.. Let em look!
It's easy for a skinny girl to bounce a dance class but, it takes character for a larger lady to shake her wiggly bits in front of a group of spandex.. I did feel like Fat Amy from pitch perfect.. She's awesome and so am I!! :))
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Letter to the Chubby Girl
This was a blog entry a high school friend of mine told me about..love it!
Hey, Fat Girl.
Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.
You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.
You are awesome.
If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.
You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.
You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.
You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.
I bow to you.
Hey, Fat Girl.
Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.
You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.
You are awesome.
If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.
You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.
You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.
You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.
I bow to you.
The New Year
So every new year people commence to change their ways! It's a fresh start! I'm going to be different by God! .. For me, this happens every Monday... I know, exhausting, right? But this year I really feel it! I think I'm so sick of being unhealthy not just physically, but definitely emotionally and spiritually as well. I was in bed crying the other night just finally hitting my "fat" bottom if you will, pun not intended :)
The next day I made the choice to go to the gym and track my food choices.. I will weigh/ measure on Friday the results of my effort and I must say, I am excited! I have done some sort of activity everyday to reach my goal and stayed pretty close in range to my calories allotted. I got a bodybugg for Xmas.. If you watch the Biggest Loser, it's those armbands they wear. They track calories burned, steps taken and have a food log too. I just use MyFitnessPal app and then will copy it over to see my bodybugg math in action.
It's really helped to have a group of friends that attend the same gym and like the same classes. It gets me motivated! I'm also working on the mental aspect by going through a book called a course in weight loss with some friends. I'm stuck on the first lesson cause you have to write a lot about your issues.. I have more issues than US Weekly!
But I feel positive even though I'm the biggest girl in my Zumba class and my feet feel like they might just fall off at the ankles. I go back again cause I'm in it to win it! I'm here to say, take note! Because I am just going to be shrinking from here on out! If you see me in the gym you will get to witness this transformation in action. It may not look pretty..actually, I guarantee it won't.. But in the end I will be healthy and here for my kids. I will teach my daughter to be healthy and that you can achieve anything! Even if its losing 100#. I just want to be a healthy BMI. I don't want to stand out in Zumba class and I want to have loads of energy to reach other life goals. I've been stagnate too long. Isolating, beating myself up and feeling like crap. I want to be sublimely happy no matter what size jeans I'm in cause I know I'm taking care of myself and my family!
Let me hop off my soapbox, thanks for reading and let the transforming begin!!
The next day I made the choice to go to the gym and track my food choices.. I will weigh/ measure on Friday the results of my effort and I must say, I am excited! I have done some sort of activity everyday to reach my goal and stayed pretty close in range to my calories allotted. I got a bodybugg for Xmas.. If you watch the Biggest Loser, it's those armbands they wear. They track calories burned, steps taken and have a food log too. I just use MyFitnessPal app and then will copy it over to see my bodybugg math in action.
It's really helped to have a group of friends that attend the same gym and like the same classes. It gets me motivated! I'm also working on the mental aspect by going through a book called a course in weight loss with some friends. I'm stuck on the first lesson cause you have to write a lot about your issues.. I have more issues than US Weekly!
But I feel positive even though I'm the biggest girl in my Zumba class and my feet feel like they might just fall off at the ankles. I go back again cause I'm in it to win it! I'm here to say, take note! Because I am just going to be shrinking from here on out! If you see me in the gym you will get to witness this transformation in action. It may not look pretty..actually, I guarantee it won't.. But in the end I will be healthy and here for my kids. I will teach my daughter to be healthy and that you can achieve anything! Even if its losing 100#. I just want to be a healthy BMI. I don't want to stand out in Zumba class and I want to have loads of energy to reach other life goals. I've been stagnate too long. Isolating, beating myself up and feeling like crap. I want to be sublimely happy no matter what size jeans I'm in cause I know I'm taking care of myself and my family!
Let me hop off my soapbox, thanks for reading and let the transforming begin!!
Monday, April 30, 2012
I am so unhappy with myself right now. In this moment. I have been procrastinating putting up wall decor around our house. because im too lazy, too tired, whatever it may be. But, finally Nate brought up this mirror that I thought I wanted to put on our ugly mantle. That is when I saw myself. Like, REALLY saw myself and couldn't excuse it, couldn't look away (it was like a bad car wreck!) I had it propped up against the wall and when I sat on the couch across from it I was horrified with what I saw! I never see my body full on, usually from my own point of view and in mirrors that stop around my waist. I have been in denial. I always talk about how I used to look, I used to be gorgeous to make myself feel better. You know who I feel bad for? My sweet husband. I am not the girl he married. I am double the size I was when he met me! When I look at myself in the mirror I see my face that is reecognizable but, it is so sad behind these eyes. I feel trapped in a fat suit. I feel like my body is so tired, so hurt because its suffocating in this fat. No wonder I am always so hot! This morning I prayed for God to give me the strength through the day to accomplish what I needed and his will be done. I feel like this is his wake up call to me! I can take pictures and delete them if I look too big. I can justify eating donuts on sundays cause it's a tradition for the kids. There is so much fat under my skin it is hanging off my body like it is trying to escape! How did I get here? Why did I let myself go? This is what I need to figure out so I can change it and not get back here. I always lose motivation. I start a diet, a workout but I get so overrwhelmed by how far I have to go! how much I have to conquer. When I weigh closer to 300 lbs then, 200 it's a problem. I could flippin die! I believe the only reason I am "healthy" is cause I have angels watching out for me. I need a plan I need help and I really do not want to be this person! I hate this body, I hate this person that eats to feel better. I know I can't do it alone. I don't know what will work or where to start but, I think anything is better than what I am doing now. I am scared. I am soooo scared shitless to diet to exercise. i am not sure why but, I am fearful of it... that i will miss out, that i will have to sacrifice taste and yumminess. But, I can't stay this size any more. I am 264 lbs! I am 5'7"! My ideal BMI weight is 120-160.. I have over 100 lbs to lose! I hope I can do it! Another dumb thing I did was quit the gym! Cause I couldn't get motivated to go. I am drowning in fear and fat and I need to reclaim my life and be happy! If not for me, then for my kids and my husband. I just saw myself in the mirror, the thing that rocks my world is people see me like this every week, every day and still love me. I need them to love me until I can love myself. Cause I am just horrified and scared shitless. :-/ Going to look up diets and plans now. Will keep updating. This is the start of a lifelong process for me.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Bustin' It
Last Friday I decided to head to the gym for the first time since, oh maybe 3 months. I had gotten really sick and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. Apparently I had cracked or fractured a rib while I was sick so, I was on doctor's orders to not work out.. once you start down that road, it's so much easier to just stop forever.
Anyways, I had debated in my mind should I just cancel the membership and save the extra 75 bucks to use elsewhere in our budget? I went back and forth. We bought a wii for xmas and I got Just Dance 3 and Zumba so I figured between those two I could shed some lbs and save some moolah. Okay, back to the original idea.. so I headed to the gym last Friday. Ethan was at school so, I just took Avery and put her in the childcare (which she loves by the way).. anyways, I wasn't sure what I was going to do that day workout wise and I started to head on over to the front desk to get a cancellation form. There was like a million people there and by a million I mean like four. Which is four more than I wanted to be social with so, I thought to myself.. I will just come back on the way to get Avery..so I head downstairs to put my stuff in the locker and literally turn around and see one of my old friends, Allyson. She tells me that she is going to do a weights class with her friend and I should join them.. I was leery at first because, I am lazy and didn't know what to expect. She says I have like 15 mins til it starts so, I make my way to the elliptical and mull over this idea of a class. I never thought of myself as a gym class kinda girl.. because A. My gym clothes aren't trendy and B.My booty is not impressive in spandex.. coupled with all the mirrors and me feeling totally out of coordination.
But, I thought "Just do it, what else are you gonna do? you gotta do something! This is getting ridiculous. Plus, It will be less intimidating if you have a friend in there." So, I did it! It was challenging and awesome. I felt like I actually DID something! I was sore, I was sweaty and tired. I turned into a "gym class girl"
I have since been back M/W and today, Thurs I did my first ever Spin class. It was really hard.. the bike seat hurt my booty and I am definitely out of shape but, It did get easier the longer I was biking... The instructor was very nice and just told me to take it at my pace. The girl on the other side of Allyson told me I was doing great and to hang in there! I did make it through and even though I didn't do all the moves and standing, I tried and kept trying throughout the class to do what I could.. Allyson also said " If nothing else, you biked for an hour!" umm yeah! I did! :-) I felt sore, tired and hungry! I know it's just a week in. But, I already feel a difference and I am super excited to see what happens and what changes I will see. I haven't weighed myself or even changed my diet. I'm just bustin' it <-- as my hubby says and it feels awesome to just be doing something. It makes me feel skinner just knowing that I am doing something to get there. I will probably weigh myself tomorrow and take pics to document the journey. But, I don't really wanna get caught up in the numbers cause I feel so great. I just wanna see how my body changes... that's all for now! Ciao.
Anyways, I had debated in my mind should I just cancel the membership and save the extra 75 bucks to use elsewhere in our budget? I went back and forth. We bought a wii for xmas and I got Just Dance 3 and Zumba so I figured between those two I could shed some lbs and save some moolah. Okay, back to the original idea.. so I headed to the gym last Friday. Ethan was at school so, I just took Avery and put her in the childcare (which she loves by the way).. anyways, I wasn't sure what I was going to do that day workout wise and I started to head on over to the front desk to get a cancellation form. There was like a million people there and by a million I mean like four. Which is four more than I wanted to be social with so, I thought to myself.. I will just come back on the way to get Avery..so I head downstairs to put my stuff in the locker and literally turn around and see one of my old friends, Allyson. She tells me that she is going to do a weights class with her friend and I should join them.. I was leery at first because, I am lazy and didn't know what to expect. She says I have like 15 mins til it starts so, I make my way to the elliptical and mull over this idea of a class. I never thought of myself as a gym class kinda girl.. because A. My gym clothes aren't trendy and B.My booty is not impressive in spandex.. coupled with all the mirrors and me feeling totally out of coordination.
But, I thought "Just do it, what else are you gonna do? you gotta do something! This is getting ridiculous. Plus, It will be less intimidating if you have a friend in there." So, I did it! It was challenging and awesome. I felt like I actually DID something! I was sore, I was sweaty and tired. I turned into a "gym class girl"
I have since been back M/W and today, Thurs I did my first ever Spin class. It was really hard.. the bike seat hurt my booty and I am definitely out of shape but, It did get easier the longer I was biking... The instructor was very nice and just told me to take it at my pace. The girl on the other side of Allyson told me I was doing great and to hang in there! I did make it through and even though I didn't do all the moves and standing, I tried and kept trying throughout the class to do what I could.. Allyson also said " If nothing else, you biked for an hour!" umm yeah! I did! :-) I felt sore, tired and hungry! I know it's just a week in. But, I already feel a difference and I am super excited to see what happens and what changes I will see. I haven't weighed myself or even changed my diet. I'm just bustin' it <-- as my hubby says and it feels awesome to just be doing something. It makes me feel skinner just knowing that I am doing something to get there. I will probably weigh myself tomorrow and take pics to document the journey. But, I don't really wanna get caught up in the numbers cause I feel so great. I just wanna see how my body changes... that's all for now! Ciao.
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