Mid-week check in

It's Wednesday. Not much to report. I've worked out twice so far, if I workout two more times before Sunday that will reach my goal for the week. To complete two arm/back workouts and two lower body workouts. 

I have increased my walking speed from 2.8 to 3.5 and my top speed Tuesday without holding on was 3.7! I also did 2.25 miles in 41 minutes.. Increased from 2 miles in 40. It's the small steps! 

I notice a difference in my legs already, they are slimming down and toning up. Not my thighs yet but, they will get there. Just trying to stay consistent and if nothing else.. Keep up with my walking. 

See ya Sunday for weigh in/ measurements!!

Week 3!

Today starts week 3... Thank god! Week 2 kinda sucked. I made it to the gym 3 times and then walked the zoo one day, which I count as a workout :)My eating was less than stellar but, I got to buy a size smaller dress! That was my highlight! So, I weighed in today at it said I GAINED 2 LBS... but, I took my measurements and I collectively lost .5" all over to total -4" So, that's good I suppose.

I get so frustrated because I feel like I am making better choices, for the most part and go put in work even when I dont want to..Just wish I was seeing better results. So, my resolve is to write down what I eat, not to beat myself up but, so I can see what I am eating and change it. I think I have come to the realization that the MORE I try to control it and obsess about it, the more I lose control and overeat after one slip up. I am trying to stay in the land of compromise or "grey".. not the mindset of ALL or NOTHING.. meaning Eat everything or Starve and then eat everything! lol... I am really trying to implore God's help in this matter and assist me.

I have found that when I get in the habit of going to workout every day or every other day, I WANT to go again. It's a good cycle to get in. Cause I feel better about myself, I feel healthier and skinnier, even if I am not, yet. I am happier overall and I sleep better. It puts me in the hope mode of thinking.. Like, daydreaming about how fit I am going to be and how cute the clothes will be and how much more I can play with my kids.

Here's a fear of mine..Saving a ton of money to go to disneyland someday and not being able to fit in the plane without a seatbelt extender, not being able to ride a ride because of weight limits.. getting so worn out from walking that I am not utilizing every moment in the moment, instead hiding in the hotel resting. OR another "dream" of mine is to take a much needed late honeymoon to a tropical location and not able to enjoy laying out on the beach getting some sun and wearing resort wear because I am too large and sweaty or embarrassed by my shape :( the biggest motivator right now is I kinda want another bambino, I know that can't happen until I am a healthier weight... I go back and forth on this issue mainly because of my weight. If I was 150 lbs, I would probably be pregnant or have a third child by now. I don't want my weight dictating how my life is, or what opportunities I have to pass up on or miss because of it..

So, this is the reason I am imploring God's help. I need a change greater than me, greater than my negative mind is capable of and the only one who I know that can offer help is GOD. He wants the best for me.. He is all powerful and knowing, He knows how I think and how I work, better than I do most days.. He gets me and can turn this frown upside down.. It's my only hope at this point.. he is LOVE, he is PERFECTION and he is GRACIOUS.. So, I am turning this addiction to food, this struggle, this burden to HIM. I have been healed before through prayer, so i absolutely TRUST he will free me from this bondage as well. :)
Thanks again for being a part of this journey. I didn't have a huge loss this week but, its progress not perfection..

Mid-week check in: week 2

Just checking in to update on my progress this week. I took measurements  on Sunday so I am looking forward to seeing if I have any results yet..

I have been to the gym Sun, Mon & Wed so far.. I started getting a nasty callous/ blister on the ball of my foot so I took Tuesday off and rested it. Today was fine, I just covered it with a huge band-aid and made it through my walking fine! 

I have shaved off two minutes this week on my 2 mile walking.. And I am now in the phase that my muscles are growing under my fat so my jeans feel snug.. Argh, I can see some differences already in the way I look and clothes fit.. It's been tough to get motivated this week.. But I just go through the motions anyways.. Trying to make this a routine or a new healthy habit. I always feel better about myself when I'm done!

Oh! Almost forgot.. Went shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding this weekend and I WAS in a 2x.. Cause of my huge bust..(okay, and back fat, who am I kidding,,) But, I am happy to say I tried on the 2x and it was too big! So I tried on the 1x and it fit perfect!! Eek! It's the little things.. ;) 

No gym tomorrow, going to walk the KC Zoo with my neighbor & our kids to kick off the first day of summer!! :) ciao.

Week two starts!

The last 3 days I went to the gym once, and did my walking and arms machines. I haven't been dieting, just trying to eat more whole foods and less junk/ fast food. Although I did have some last night.. 

I weighed in today since its the start of week 2 and I am down 4 lbs!! Hooray! So, I'm planning a trip to the gym today to start my week off right! I had donuts for breakfast.. The kids requested them but I opted for a plain one with cinnamon to compliment my coffee... instead of my regular custard filled chocolate iced long John.. :) 

I am happy with my loss! I'm going to take measurements today and start tracking those as well.. Avery says

"Daddy, mommy is getting smaller!" So cute.. 

Days 1-3

Week one.. Again.. Day one was awful! I was in a funk, depressed and was eating badly. I made myself write my food but that evening I devoured a bag of twizzlers bites and half a serving of butterfinger bites in the comfort of a dark movie theatre.. In my defense the twizzlers were just standard size bag.. But still! Hella carbs!! I also worked out and decided to start by walking. I usually get intense and overdo it whenever I start to lose weight.. Obviously that method hasn't been successful in the past so, I walk now! I'm a walker :) yippee haha.. Anyways I walked for 40 mins and did leg machines. 

Day two I was feeling better emotionally so I went with a friend and we walked 40 minutes again and did arm machines.. Then Avery, the pup and I walked to pick up Ethan. It's a mile round trip.. I've measured before. So I put in 3 miles that day! Tracked my food and just trying to make better choices.

Day 3- I was going to take a break today so I mowed the lawn to get some exercise.. In 80* heat! Not fun! Then when Nate came home from work I was feeling funky again so I escaped to get my walk in. I walked for 45 mins. I didn't want to leave but he had trap shooting league. Now I am exhausted!! And have a date for the gym at 9:15am. So I better get some rest. My legs hurt, in a good way! But my feet feel awful as I'm walking! Hope this gets easier! I'm not gonna stop. Night'

Starting over... Again.

I wish I wasn't starting again and was updating on my amazing progress. But, I guess that's what this journey is.. It is what it is.. As they say. I am so tired of being the me I am. I despise my fat all over me, I get so tired, I don't like being around people because I know they are looking at how large I have gotten and glancing at the way my shirt seems to stick against my bulging fat rolls like a magnet. 

I was looking for something to wear the other day and I thought, am I in the mindset of denial and buying clothes all wrong for me?! Do I need to buy even larger sizes? My answer to that is NO. I won't do it! I'm gonna sweat this fat off and be able to wear the clothes I already have until they are hanging off me. 

I am almost back to my largest weight.. My 9 months pregnant weight except.. I'm not pregnant!! How fucking depressing is that?! How did I get here and why am I so afraid to dig myself out? I feel like I am in a fat suit. I feel like I am not myself. I avoid people and social gatherings because of how I look. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed.

I'm afraid I'm running out of time. Pretty soon my kids are going to ask me about being fat. Or some mean kid might even say something about me to my kids. I don't want to be embarrassing to them! I want them to be proud of me. I want to be the the pretty mom, the fun mom.. Not the lazy, depressed, obese mom. I haven't worked through all these issues in my life to end up like this! I feel like life is over and it really should just be beginning... 

I don't know where to start. I get overwhelmed and super hard on myself so I am going to keep it super simple. Workout and count calories. Take measurements and focus on building muscle and walking walking walking. 

I have to do this! For me, my hubby and my two kids! It's not about swimsuit season or skinny jeans for me.. This is about my negative feelings about myself impacting my kids, my hubby, everyone around me. I don't want to mold them and be this example. I want to be active and fun and keep up! If I put it off any longer I just don't know what will become of me.

I've tried different diets, I've tried deadlines.. Like, a trip date, a birthday I've written out how much I would lose by certain periods of time. I think I tend to over complicate everything!!! I need to love myself through this, be gentle and stick with it! 

My first big goal will be 5% of my weight..

13.5 lbs! That seems big to me but I will focus on one lb at a time. Any encouragement and support is welcomed. This is hard work ahead and my hope is to turn empowered as I see progress and feel joy and hope rather than sadness on the daily. 

Thanks for reading. This is my real. My story.