I am so unhappy with myself right now. In this moment. I have been procrastinating putting up wall decor around our house. because im too lazy, too tired, whatever it may be. But, finally Nate brought up this mirror that I thought I wanted to put on our ugly mantle. That is when I saw myself. Like, REALLY saw myself and couldn't excuse it, couldn't look away (it was like a bad car wreck!) I had it propped up against the wall and when I sat on the couch across from it I was horrified with what I saw! I never see my body full on, usually from my own point of view and in mirrors that stop around my waist. I have been in denial. I always talk about how I used to look, I used to be gorgeous to make myself feel better. You know who I feel bad for? My sweet husband. I am not the girl he married. I am double the size I was when he met me! When I look at myself in the mirror I see my face that is reecognizable but, it is so sad behind these eyes. I feel trapped in a fat suit. I feel like my body is so tired, so hurt because its suffocating in this fat. No wonder I am always so hot! This morning I prayed for God to give me the strength through the day to accomplish what I needed and his will be done. I feel like this is his wake up call to me! I can take pictures and delete them if I look too big. I can justify eating donuts on sundays cause it's a tradition for the kids. There is so much fat under my skin it is hanging off my body like it is trying to escape! How did I get here? Why did I let myself go? This is what I need to figure out so I can change it and not get back here. I always lose motivation. I start a diet, a workout but I get so overrwhelmed by how far I have to go! how much I have to conquer. When I weigh closer to 300 lbs then, 200 it's a problem. I could flippin die! I believe the only reason I am "healthy" is cause I have angels watching out for me. I need a plan I need help and I really do not want to be this person! I hate this body, I hate this person that eats to feel better. I know I can't do it alone. I don't know what will work or where to start but, I think anything is better than what I am doing now. I am scared. I am soooo scared shitless to diet to exercise. i am not sure why but, I am fearful of it... that i will miss out, that i will have to sacrifice taste and yumminess. But, I can't stay this size any more. I am 264 lbs! I am 5'7"! My ideal BMI weight is 120-160.. I have over 100 lbs to lose! I hope I can do it! Another dumb thing I did was quit the gym! Cause I couldn't get motivated to go. I am drowning in fear and fat and I need to reclaim my life and be happy! If not for me, then for my kids and my husband. I just saw myself in the mirror, the thing that rocks my world is people see me like this every week, every day and still love me. I need them to love me until I can love myself. Cause I am just horrified and scared shitless. :-/ Going to look up diets and plans now. Will keep updating. This is the start of a lifelong process for me.