I am so unhappy with myself right now. In this moment. I have been procrastinating putting up wall decor around our house. because im too lazy, too tired, whatever it may be. But, finally Nate brought up this mirror that I thought I wanted to put on our ugly mantle. That is when I saw myself. Like, REALLY saw myself and couldn't excuse it, couldn't look away (it was like a bad car wreck!) I had it propped up against the wall and when I sat on the couch across from it I was horrified with what I saw! I never see my body full on, usually from my own point of view and in mirrors that stop around my waist. I have been in denial. I always talk about how I used to look, I used to be gorgeous to make myself feel better. You know who I feel bad for? My sweet husband. I am not the girl he married. I am double the size I was when he met me! When I look at myself in the mirror I see my face that is reecognizable but, it is so sad behind these eyes. I feel trapped in a fat suit. I feel like my body is so tired, so hurt because its suffocating in this fat. No wonder I am always so hot! This morning I prayed for God to give me the strength through the day to accomplish what I needed and his will be done. I feel like this is his wake up call to me! I can take pictures and delete them if I look too big. I can justify eating donuts on sundays cause it's a tradition for the kids. There is so much fat under my skin it is hanging off my body like it is trying to escape! How did I get here? Why did I let myself go? This is what I need to figure out so I can change it and not get back here. I always lose motivation. I start a diet, a workout but I get so overrwhelmed by how far I have to go! how much I have to conquer. When I weigh closer to 300 lbs then, 200 it's a problem. I could flippin die! I believe the only reason I am "healthy" is cause I have angels watching out for me. I need a plan I need help and I really do not want to be this person! I hate this body, I hate this person that eats to feel better. I know I can't do it alone. I don't know what will work or where to start but, I think anything is better than what I am doing now. I am scared. I am soooo scared shitless to diet to exercise. i am not sure why but, I am fearful of it... that i will miss out, that i will have to sacrifice taste and yumminess. But, I can't stay this size any more. I am 264 lbs! I am 5'7"! My ideal BMI weight is 120-160.. I have over 100 lbs to lose! I hope I can do it! Another dumb thing I did was quit the gym! Cause I couldn't get motivated to go. I am drowning in fear and fat and I need to reclaim my life and be happy! If not for me, then for my kids and my husband. I just saw myself in the mirror, the thing that rocks my world is people see me like this every week, every day and still love me. I need them to love me until I can love myself. Cause I am just horrified and scared shitless. :-/ Going to look up diets and plans now. Will keep updating. This is the start of a lifelong process for me.

Bustin' It

Last Friday I decided to head to the gym for the first time since, oh maybe 3 months. I had gotten really sick and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. Apparently I had cracked or fractured a rib while I was sick so, I was on doctor's orders to not work out.. once you start down that road, it's so much easier to just stop forever.
Anyways, I had debated in my mind should I just cancel the membership and save the extra 75 bucks to use elsewhere in our budget? I went back and forth. We bought a wii for xmas and I got Just Dance 3 and Zumba so I figured between those two I could shed some lbs and save some moolah. Okay, back to the original idea.. so I headed to the gym last Friday. Ethan was at school so, I just took Avery and put her in the childcare (which she loves by the way).. anyways, I wasn't sure what I was going to do that day workout wise and I started to head on over to the front desk to get a cancellation form. There was like a million people there and by a million I mean like four. Which is four more than I wanted to be social with so, I thought to myself.. I will just come back on the way to get Avery..so I head downstairs to put my stuff in the locker and literally turn around and see one of my old friends, Allyson. She tells me that she is going to do a weights class with her friend and I should join them.. I was leery at first because, I am lazy and didn't know what to expect. She says I have like 15 mins til it starts so, I make my way to the elliptical and mull over this idea of a class. I never thought of myself as a gym class kinda girl.. because A. My gym clothes aren't trendy and B.My booty is not impressive in spandex.. coupled with all the mirrors and me feeling totally out of coordination.

But, I thought "Just do it, what else are you gonna do? you gotta do something! This is getting ridiculous. Plus, It will be less intimidating if you have a friend in there." So, I did it! It was challenging and awesome. I felt like I actually DID something! I was sore, I was sweaty and tired. I turned into a "gym class girl"

I have since been back M/W and today, Thurs I did my first ever Spin class. It was really hard.. the bike seat hurt my booty and I am definitely out of shape but, It did get easier the longer I was biking... The instructor was very nice and just told me to take it at my pace. The girl on the other side of Allyson told me I was doing great and to hang in there! I did make it through and even though I didn't do all the moves and standing, I tried and kept trying throughout the class to do what I could.. Allyson also said " If nothing else, you biked for an hour!" umm yeah! I did! :-) I felt sore, tired and hungry! I know it's just a week in. But, I already feel a difference and I am super excited to see what happens and what changes I will see. I haven't weighed myself or even changed my diet. I'm just bustin' it <-- as my hubby says and it feels awesome to just be doing something. It makes me feel skinner just knowing that I am doing something to get there. I will probably weigh myself tomorrow and take pics to document the journey. But, I don't really wanna get caught up in the numbers cause I feel so great. I just wanna see how my body changes... that's all for now! Ciao.