All ive ever wanted in life is to fit in. I never felt like I was wanted by my parents. I was passed around family members as a child because my mother was too sick to be a mom. I made my way through life with a lot of help but I always thought once I made it. Once I broke the cycle I would be worthy I would be good enough for my mom to love. I showed up on my end of the deal but she's still missing in action. I moved away to start fresh to be detached enough to get healthy and sober. I wanted to be a role model for my sisters n brother. I wanted to be their rock since I knew mom would fail. I thought I will finish college and get a job and be here to help them. Maybe I will get the love once I give it. I will do work to be worthy. I am no closer to them. I long for a bond and a relationship but I guess they are content to not have one with me. Only each other. So now I pour my heart into my kids which I've had no direction. I watch loving parents and take cues from friends parents as how to be a mom. I know I screw up but I hope it's a normal dysfunction. Much better than the life I had as a child. Yet ,now that I am here. The age and the point where I should fit in.I should be reaping the love. I still feel lacking. I don't fit where I came from and my past keeps me separate from those I live life alongside. I feel like a lemon car with a fresh coat of paint. Chugging along and looks like it belongs but is all broken under the hood. I shake my fist at the heavens in moments of weakness and wonder why!? What is the point of this pain. This separation? I hear God speak you aren't made to fit in. You are made to stand out! Your square edges have been sanded down and made you a round peg. You have this life because you are strong enough to live it. You have always been worthy. I have always loved you from the moment I made you.
