Starting over... Again.

I wish I wasn't starting again and was updating on my amazing progress. But, I guess that's what this journey is.. It is what it is.. As they say. I am so tired of being the me I am. I despise my fat all over me, I get so tired, I don't like being around people because I know they are looking at how large I have gotten and glancing at the way my shirt seems to stick against my bulging fat rolls like a magnet. 

I was looking for something to wear the other day and I thought, am I in the mindset of denial and buying clothes all wrong for me?! Do I need to buy even larger sizes? My answer to that is NO. I won't do it! I'm gonna sweat this fat off and be able to wear the clothes I already have until they are hanging off me. 

I am almost back to my largest weight.. My 9 months pregnant weight except.. I'm not pregnant!! How fucking depressing is that?! How did I get here and why am I so afraid to dig myself out? I feel like I am in a fat suit. I feel like I am not myself. I avoid people and social gatherings because of how I look. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed.

I'm afraid I'm running out of time. Pretty soon my kids are going to ask me about being fat. Or some mean kid might even say something about me to my kids. I don't want to be embarrassing to them! I want them to be proud of me. I want to be the the pretty mom, the fun mom.. Not the lazy, depressed, obese mom. I haven't worked through all these issues in my life to end up like this! I feel like life is over and it really should just be beginning... 

I don't know where to start. I get overwhelmed and super hard on myself so I am going to keep it super simple. Workout and count calories. Take measurements and focus on building muscle and walking walking walking. 

I have to do this! For me, my hubby and my two kids! It's not about swimsuit season or skinny jeans for me.. This is about my negative feelings about myself impacting my kids, my hubby, everyone around me. I don't want to mold them and be this example. I want to be active and fun and keep up! If I put it off any longer I just don't know what will become of me.

I've tried different diets, I've tried deadlines.. Like, a trip date, a birthday I've written out how much I would lose by certain periods of time. I think I tend to over complicate everything!!! I need to love myself through this, be gentle and stick with it! 

My first big goal will be 5% of my weight..

13.5 lbs! That seems big to me but I will focus on one lb at a time. Any encouragement and support is welcomed. This is hard work ahead and my hope is to turn empowered as I see progress and feel joy and hope rather than sadness on the daily. 

Thanks for reading. This is my real. My story.